Today, one week has passed since you are not (physically) around me anymore. Never really thought I will be writing something like that. But if I had to bid you goodbye forever, it would have been the most difficult task of my life. I know I have handed you over to someone Who loves you more than I do, who is "Rahman" and "Raheem". I know that this is only a temporary separation and I will meet you soon inshaAllah. I know whatever I could have done for you would not even tantamount to one night that you spent taking care of me. I know I had not been the way I should have been. I know how I wasted my time in other stuff rather than valuing those moments by spending them with you, I know I have disobeyed you so many times. But I know you still love me a lot. You love and care is still surrounding me.
The dilemma is, I lost you just after becoming a mother myself. Motherhood makes you realize so many things that you have been taking for granted throughout your life. I am not an ideal mother like you, that's why I really wished you could take care of my baby. The day when you had to leave this world, I was making this prayer in the morning: "May you get health and may you get all my life and energies and you be taking care of my child because you are much better than me". Then in few hours, I came to know that you met your ultimate destination and you left this world even without kissing my child.
I know how you had to kill yourself after our father and absorbed all the tears inside your heart and never really showed us your sad face. Did I ever see you crying? No! You dedicated your life for your kids and your plants. And that makes me remind something funny about you. When you had to explain our house address to somebody, you used to refer to your plants; "the place where you see so many plants" :) You learnt me to be strong and look forward to mercy of Allah SWT because in the end, He remains and everything else perishes.
Mom, do you know Allah SWT had talked to me at the time you were going through the most severe brain stroke in all the strokes that you suffered and when I was reciting Surah Rehman on you, and then I reached this ayah:
"Everyone upon the earth will perish, And there will remain the Face of your Lord, Owner of Majesty and Honor." (Quran 55: 26-27)
I got the message from Allah SWT that your days in this (fake) world are numbered. Yet, I kept praying for you, kept hoping for you because we all needed energies. We all needed strength to make your remaining days as much comfortable for you as possible. Yet, the mercy of Allah SWT is so much that you lived with us for 294 more days, got rid of the most life threatening thing that you had- 'your bedsore' of 4th degree, kept praying for us, getting to see my baby, striving your best to survive. There was even a time when your paralysis was partially gone and I saw you eating with your own hands. You were taken care by your daughters who were breathing with every breath you were taking and so much emotionally motivated by your beloved son.
Ammi, I didn't really lose you, I lost the praying hands of yours. How can one imagine a person having so many brain strokes would be perfectly reciting the prayers from Quran (word-by-word from heart) for her daughter who is miles away. That is why you have such an important status in front of Allah:
"Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or more attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say, "my Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy, even as they cherished me in childhood." (Quran: 17:23-24)
Who can imagine a person who, according to the doctor, had all the diseases except cancer would see my sad face on Skype and ask me about it, "Why is Sadaf having a sad face". This reminded me of:
"We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents; in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth." (Quran 46:15)
You know what was the most demotivating thing for me when you were in serious condition in the Special Care Unit, this narration:
After the death of his mother, Prophet Musa A.S. went again to Koh-e-Toor where he finds Koh-e-toor and its surrounding much more forbidding than they had even been. He arrived at the designated place in a state of fright. Musa A.S. entreated Allah to enlighten him why he was haunted by such nameless fears. He heard this reply: 'In the past whenever you visited Koh-e-toor, your mother started praying for you. She begged that I show My Mercy to you and she invoked My Grace upon you, and she implored that I overlook your oversights and forgive your errors. I do listen to the prayers of a mother for her child. But now she is dead, and her prayers have gone with her. You are therefore no longer being shielded by the prayers of your mother. Therefore take heed and warning lest your err. And this is the reason for your terror'.
I cried a lot there but later in another difficult moment facing my personal troubles, I prayed to Almighty that I have almost lost the praying hands of my mother. You be my parent and You be by my side. For a parent can die but You never die. That is how I got back my strength and I got back my motivation.
I know now when I say you "I love you mama", I won't hear this back "I love you too (with a big cute smile)". You even used to reply this when you were really very sick. This all would have killed me if I did not have faith in Almighty that you are in His merciful arms. I know I have to do sabr to get Hasanaat and become your Sadqa Jaria.
"And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient,
Who, when disaster strikes them, say, "Indeed we belong to Allah , and indeed to Him we will return.
Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided." (Quran 2: 155-157)
I am grateful to Almighty for blessing me with such a great mom for so many years of my life. I am proud of you my ammi.
"Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest." (Qur'an 13:28)
And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah ] (Quran 2:45)
That is why I am not at unrest like I used to be when I lost my father and uncle. And when I smile around, its not that I have forgotten you. I know how hard it was for you to see me crying and since now you cannot stop me crying anymore, my tears would be a big burden on you. I want to seek patience from Allah SWT and make as much prayers for you as possible and fulfill all the dreams you wished for me. Bringing up my child according to Quran and Sunnah and instill upon him your love so that even after I am dead, the prayers for you may not discontinue. And my little one will keep calling you "Bari Mama" the word that always brought smile on your face.
Mama, I need to tell you that I am carrying forward all the good messages I have received from you so that your soul may benefit from it. I will try to continue the good deeds which you were routinely doing. People think that my mother has passed away, but I believe that mothers never die- good mothers never die and no mother is a bad mother.
I love you mama and I would keep saying it despite the fact that I will never get "I love you too" reply from you :) May Allah SWT keep you in His mercy..... Amen. May you together be with your parents, husband, kids, sibglings, friends and all who you loved in Jannah. Amen
Your youngest child,
Sadaf
